i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
