When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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