I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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