good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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