Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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