I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
