I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize