dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
