Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
