i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
