think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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