I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry about my life...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
