i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
