you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
