I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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