VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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