Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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