My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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