Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
