i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
