sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
