Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
