You really coming over, don't trick.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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