She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
