my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
