i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
