just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
