I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
