He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
