The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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