All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
