We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
