I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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