The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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