I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
