the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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