Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
