my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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