Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
