I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
