When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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