I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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