Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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