I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As shirtless as possible
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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