i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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