I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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