I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
