After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
