Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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