Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
