My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
