White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
