he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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