the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize