mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
