I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
